We “took off” last month from coaching.  I decided to use that time to review my resume together with Stacy and improve it for public consumption.  It’s better by far now, with more me and less robotic blahI spent that non-coaching time pondering (something I love to do and do well…if only it were a career path) a combination of things not least of which is why I haven’t started writing posts about the actual search, research and question-asking portion of my discovery process.

Enough words have been exchanged;
now at last let me see some deeds! – Goethe

But… there’s this little thing called procrastination and this other little thing called stage fright!

“Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it.

Boldness has genius, power and magic in it.” – maybe Goethe

Yeah.  You’re right. I know.  Sheesh

So, I created accounts and links to about.me and visualize.me.   I haven’t tied any of these sites to my Facebook account (oh, the horror).  Twitter is editorial or political and Facebook social, and for me socializing is small-scale and personal not public.  One thing I’m holding off on is to tie my LinkedIn account directly to My Lateral Evolution, which is something I will need to do soon.

Why not already?

Partially because I still work where I work.  (ahem)  And partly because these posts and my blog in general aren’t up to my expectations.  I want to have a few good exploration and discovery posts about interesting job ideas under my belt first.  And as many hours as I spend pondering that, I’m held back by the usual: procrastination with a side of stage fright.

“Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it.

Boldness has genius, power and magic in it.” – maybe Goethe

You said that already…

So, Stacy and I met up last Thursday for our ninth coaching session. 

She reviewed some of the steps I must take when exploring job locations and ideas.  I found an amazing place I want to apply, for which I want to make a short video (oh the horror), and for which I must include access to this blog and its range of content.

Regarding my insecurities about what could happen in an interview Stacy suggested (not for the first time) contacting someone at the company and requesting an informational interview. To ask the questions I’m worried about, and find out from a mentor at this company whether their expectations have been met in their job, and whether mine might be.

I know Stacy has suggested this before.  I think I’m blocking out things that make me uncomfortable.

“Lean in to the pain, Andrea.”

Shush, Goethe. It’s not even you this time.

You see I’m spending a lot of time pondering, a lot of time futzing with this web page, and a lot of time procrastinating.  I’m spending very little time actually taking steps ( also not giving myself credit for what I have done) towards having my ideal career.

And I’m not sure why.  Aside from being mentally burnt out.

Aside from. You know.  Procrastination.  Performance anxiety.

Regarding the case study I’m putting together for my current workplace, we discussed possible formats, as well as constructive approaches I can take such as how to present my accumulated information in a way that encourages our employer to “opt in” to my ideas rather than me having to talk them in to it.

For me there’s also the matter of how I will present this information, in a more general format, suitable for my website as an example of my work.  Because I won’t be happy just copying it as an adobe document, I’ll want to present it creatively somehow.

Regarding my job hunt and accumulating and researching positions, I’ve been playing with a table format for laying them all out on one page so I can view my progress.  My challenge has been deciding what to make my criteria.  I haven’t quite grown the pair, yet, that makes putting priorities like *pay scale* down in black and white not feel like I’m doing something wrong somehow.  I have no problem saying I refuse to work in another hyper-political, nepotistic and influence-based atmosphere ever again.  But that’s not criteria… that’s PTSD.  To help, Stacy sent a job application criteria sheet to get me started.

We discussed my frustration from last week with general job searches online.  My coach Stacy (bless her) said the greatest thing I could have heard,  which was not to bother with job search sites like Monster or Career Builder.  They’ll be far too generic and limited for me.


Rather, she suggested I find publications in the fields I find interesting, and search for employment ideas in their pages.

Bloody brilliant, Stacy.

Stacy asked what my ultimate plan is.  “Because I sound like I want to aim high, but feel safer aiming low. ”  This… this is a good question.

You see, the ultimatum I issued when I resigned here was that if the hospital wants to keep me, in this department, they must make me the department manager.  This I said despite desperately wishing to be anywhere else.  But I meant it.  It sounds bombastic for so many reasons (I just deleted a 4 paragraph explanation) but it’s the best solution for even more reasons.

Suffice to say that none of our careers have progressed since the day we arrived here.  The junior and less experienced staff have received little to no leadership mentoring or professional development outside half-hearted efforts towards continuing education.  We’re in professional stasis like bugs in Amber.  I cannot face the thought of leaving here, after five years, with nothing to show for the exhausting work, the stress and the systematic bullying.

Now multiply me by 60-100 staff.

Colleagues ask me every day if I’m serious about leaving, telling me they don’t want me to and they’re holding out hope I’ll change my mind.  Because I’m also one of the last out-spoken sentinels, apolitical and un-afraid to stand up for them.

So I told Stacy… the truth is that as much as I want deserve a bright new creative amazing career that’s positive from day one, somewhere geographically less damaging to my health… I’m torn by wanting to help my colleagues here first, and then to move on, with a well-deserved and long overdue level of accomplishment and satisfaction.  Something every single worker deserves from this job.  Accomplishment and satisfaction.  If I received an offer somewhere else today, I’d likely leave.  But if I had the opportunity to implement change here I would at least complete my contract.  I couldn’t refuse that chance.

You see, there’s this quote I found last week that really sums up who I am, even here after five draining years.

Work as if you live in the early days of a better nation.

I do.

It sounds bombastic… if you’ve never been here.  Believe me, you cannot imagine.


I will be coming up with a list of interview questions to have Stacy on my site as a guest soon.  If anybody reads this and feels curious to ask a question please put it in the comments and I will add it.

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